VyyyE's Blog

I've moved, am in Sweden. Everything is fine, apartment isn't filled with boxes anymore, got a couple of new mates (as well as old ones) and I like the school. Not to mention I've found a very good MMA club which I'm loving.

Encountered one problem in Sweden though, sleep. Oh and I know the reason as to why I can't sleep, it should disappear with time. The question is how long. It's been a bit longer than I expected but doesn't seem like I can speed up the process either...

Basic jist would be that moving countries does not = leaving all problems behind. It should, but for me, it doesn't. *sigh* I can see myself how silly the whole situation is, I'm literally losing sleep over the past. Over what's done and dusted, gone and never to be seen again. Why the Fuck?

I know I shouldn't, I know it serves no purpose whatsoever other than putting my mood down but well, I can't control my subconscious. Oh does it annoy me, I train, eat more or less healthily and used to be able to just lie down on the pillow and bam, next thing I know it's eight o'clock the next morning. Now it's very different.

Lie down, try to think about something that's not a.. past issue. Attempt this for the next three hours and hope that finally everything turns black.
And oh it rarely does, started dreaming now as well. Never used to, well never used to remember dreams. Which also means that I always woke up refreshed (dreamless sleep = deep sleep), now I have dreams every fucking nights. Not bad dreams, not good dreams, just pointless dreams telling me I've not slept good enough. Argh!

It's taking its' toll on me, I've started training quite hard now with the MMA practices + joining a school focused on sports in general. Add to that I'm getting into a new school, and I'm still sorting out our apartment. It's more or less finished now, but God, it's taking its' toll. Sometimes standing up will leave me in complete darkness for a good five seconds, as close to blacking out as you can get...

Now I have no idea where I'm getting with this blog. I'm tired, but I know as soon as my back touches the bed I'll feel like sleep is the last thing I need. I'll just end the blog here. Conclusion: I need rest.
Pointless? Probably. I have nout better to do/write though, it's 20 past midnight a Tuesday night for Heavens sake

But back home now. Had quite the time being out though, I gotta say. Probably not going to have too many updates in the blog (like the last few weeks) due to all stuff I need to sort out. Moving in eight days, damn damn just damn.

Other than that there's not really a lot to write about. Just sorting myself out right now, hah, made some stupid decisions in the last few weeks that I'm not going to repeat. Lesson well learnt.

Had an amazing night yesterday though, first a good chillout time at the pub playing pool and then an adrenalin filled one. Not going to reveal details but it was quite immense.

Uhuh, don't know what more to say so I'll just leave it here. My blog will become more organised and structured once things get sorted, and I'll probably have something interesting to write (I hope at least...). Once i have the time I might wander back to the slightly longer blog posts, but not now, not now.

Well, Ciao!

Where is the line between darkness and light? What differs the saint from the sinner?
Why can't you stay in the grey, leaning neither back nor forth? When the demon cries for help, do you reach out your hand, or do you banish it back into obscurity?

Once a garden of delight, now a fortress of plight. The angel who fell from the Heavens never stopped falling, never screamed for redemption. Why did it change?

The gates have been shut, but my devil is still ramming my doors. I won't let my essence once again be torn, but suddenly I bathe in fire.

It's all alone, crying to be reborn. Reaching for the skies, it glimpses a blinding shine. A costume white but an essence black.

Through the ages it cursed what it craved, punished what it loved. Through deception and lies, it caught what is mine.

Seasons see change, and no more will the sorrow surround. Epiphanies caused dilemmas, and now I've banished it all. I may be black, I may be the imitation of evil, but I am no longer in chains.

Through fiery gazes and water filled eyes I have to wander, for no one but myself. I murdered what I once saw as life, but through aeons I've seen that the angel that falls will only fly back to once again descend back into the flames.

I deliver pain to free my own chains. The receiver of my blade may never stop bleeding. May never stop weeping. I am a soul coloured black, but at least I am a soul set free.

Never again will my will be in chains, my thoughts be in vain. In my eyes I am the white light, though I know perfection will always want me damned.

Your pain isn't my pleasure, but your pain has made me reborn. Now be gone, don't force my ears to block your cries. Let me rest, though you might not eye my words, I have now spoken. Be gone.

I got another three weeks before I'm moving to Sweden and when I look at my life right now.. I can't even believe what a waste it is. Teenage scum, fucking junkie.. Both describes me quite well. Staying out until 3am, but to what purpose?

I'm not unhappy, by no means. It just bugs me a bit that I can't really do much with my life at the moment. Being single doesn't help with that, as disastrous as my last relationship was I at least knew there was something there. Something to work for. Am very glad it's over, but can you see my point?

I've applied for a job but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. The school which was supposed to send me home studies are delaying it quite a bit.

Leaves me in a state of indifference. Go out, stay in... Whatever.
My family is barely a family anymore, hence it's not really something I spend too much on. Part of growing up, I suppose.

Lost motivation to work out as well, because.. well, I can't work purely for the sake of health, neither do I care much about if I got a jolly beer belly or a ripped six pack. Used to train to my limit to improve in boxing, but I've had to quit that as well for the moment.

Oh well, I'm moving soon. As much as I'll hate leaving England it'll be a new start again. Can only wait and see what happens. Ah.

Once again, hah!

Had a bit of crap going on with parents and now it's toppled over again. Been out since Tuesday living at different mates. Started sleeping in a garage and now Im in an actual house. Pretty mint though, good cracks and GTA IV going.

Gotta say I'm getting quite annoyed with it though, my parents and I don't get along very well. No it's not a case of their fault, my fault, it's both of us. But Christ, locking me out in the infamous British rain and actually destroying my iPod is jsut going over the line. I was married to that thing!

Oh well though, getting back in tomorrow and we'll see how it goes. Hopefully some birthday money will have been sent by relatives so I can enjoy the night Otherwise.. I'm going to enjoy the night anyway because there's a party going on.

Haven't been able to write for obvious reasons, so this one is just a.. filler. Not much content but at least I've shown I'm still alive.

Popped down to the sports centre as well; applying for a job. They're going to call me asking a bit about myself, I guess you can call it a phone interview. And got my GCSE Science results back. An A* which will prove useful for my next school. At least I have some solid qualifications, rather than just some teachers comments.

Ran out of my precious Marlboro Reds though. And if I don't get any birthday money + fail to get the job I will be a tad pissed off.

What more? There#s not much happening as I'm just stopping at friends places at the moment, I'll come back on track in a few days. Assuming I'll still be allowed into my house

To fear death, my friends, is only to think ourselves wise, without being wise: for it is to think that we know what we do not know. - Socrates

Essentially, how can you fear death without knowing it? It's just because of that, we don't know it. We fear the unknown. Looking into a cave and only seeing darkness, hearing a sound and thinking "What's that?". Two seconds later you realise it wasn't a bear, but you stood on a twig. But there is that moment where you wonder what it might be, and you fear for the worst.

So why has the bloody film industry forgot about this? I look back at classics such as "The Shining" and wonder what happened to real horror films.

Let's take a look at "The Shining". What made this film so great? Why is it so terrifying? No intestines fall out. Barely anyone dies. Neither does the whole 'horror' element of the film rely on shock value.

Might be minor plot spoilers in the next paragraphs, just F.Y.I.

This film draws its' suspense from completely different sources than guts and gore. Blood on its' own doesn't make a film scary, neither does showing the audience what could be described as 'barbaric'. They can all help make a film scary, but you can't rely on them. Yes I'm looking at you Hostel.

Instead we're looking at a father losing his mind. He is not there for revenge, not for some sadistic mentality. He's normal, but he's going crazy. Simply seeing the loving father slowly turn into this twisted psycho is.. thrilling.
Which leads me to the first point; there's personality to the antagonist. At first we don't think much of him, just an everyday father. But when his mind twists and his dreams start appearing we know something's happening.

We don't know what, but we know it's bad. We have on idea how far it'll go. Is he going to simply go on a rampage? Planning something more sinister? Or will he conquer his subconscious?

The thrill in watching "The Shining" is that you don't really know what's going on. The antagonist isn't pure 'evil', but he's slowly turning into a psychopath. Now we can connect with the character, as we didn't hate him from the start. At every 'dramatic' scene we have that small hope that he will regain his sanity. Once again become that loving father.

It remains this way throughout the film. Although in the end we lose that bit of hope, and instead just sit in suspense awaiting what will happen next. While we cringe a bit in the scene with the bathroom, in the labyrinth one it's a case of "Holy crap don't catch him". That he, the antagonist, would kill 'that character' seems unbelievable. Because we connected with all the characters at the start of the film.

Not to mention the end scene, which really just adds the icing to the cake. It leaves us in a bit of a dilemma and does what a perfect ending should do. It leaves us thinking about it even when the film has finished.

Now let's look at Hostel. A few teenagers are taken into the hostel and everything gets pretty fucked. That's pretty much it though. Sure, we can see everything that's happening. But what more is there to it? When I finished the movie my first words were "That was shit".
There is some suspense, of course, but it dies. Before anything's happened we'll fear the worst. Then the film delivers just that.

And after that.. The worst doesn't really matter. Because we saw it coming. I know there are people who puke when they see gore, but personally I don't mind it at all. Let's face it, however vile you might think it is, it's not scary. If it was being a surgeon would be quite a pain, wouldn't it?

At the end of the film (Hostel) I really just didn't care about who died and who didn't. I just thought "Good for him, but I don't give a shit". While the child died in "The Shining" it'd make be bit of a shock; "What? Did that really just happen?".

Today, we don't have this. Other than a few exceptions (Wolf's Creek and Blair Witch for example) horror today is about showing as realistic gore as possible. When the blood floods the hotel in "The Shining" we all get bit of a shock and then sit in a state of confusion. We don't have any idea how it just happened, but damn it's creepy.
In contrast we have the scene from "Hostel" where (one of) the antagonist(s) decides to make the pain a bit more personal. Fire to the girls eye, yellowish goo pouring out.. It could be considered 'sick', but it's definitely not scary.
To be honest with you, I laughed out loud when the goo came out.

I'm just getting annoyed at the sheer 'uncreepyness' in movies today. I'm not going to be afraid of a character dying if I don't care about him. If I know exactly what's going to happen in the next scene *surprise* it's not going to shock me. If you do manage to shock me, it's not going to work another two hundred times.

We need another era with films like "The Shining", "Psycho" and "The Birds". Could bring in a recent example and say "Blair Witch Project". It wasn't a perfect film per se, but it relied on atmosphere and suspension rather than blood and guts. It's a step back, but it's a step in the right direction. I'm not liking the way the horror genre is headed, not one bit.

I just hope I won't be seeing "Hostel: Part Nine" or "Saw VII" anytime in the future. Suppose we can only wait and see.

Hello I'm back, just a short one as I'm still half asleep but.. So yeah.

Y'know when you have that thing on your mind. The thing you really shouldn't worry about, yet you do. You keep telling yourself that the thing is irrelevant, that you're being silly and that it'll pass in time. Still, it stays.

Got the thing going on in my mind. During daytime it isn't much of a problem, I'll be busy with other stuff. During night/evenings if I'm not in town it becomes more apparent. Still not a lot, but still enough to be quite a nuisance.

And now all I can do is let the thing pass away. However much it's clutching to the back of my head, it'll lose its' grip eventually. Only problem is that until then it'll stay there. Always hidden in the oblivion of your mind, not enough to anger you, but enough to let your mood down just a tiny bit. Always that tiny bit.

Oh well, what can one do? I intend to just wait it out, every scar can be healed with time. It's just annoying to know that I'm in the middle of the cycle. Still a lot of time needs passing, and scrapes need healing. Ah, life.

Been waiting for a year for this, and finally it's here. Solfest. Won't be writing for the duration of it which is three days. It's essentially a music festival and it's the biggest one in the county. Probably no head banging, but what can a person do?

So aye, not expecting much musically, but damn it'll be a good time.

I'll be off then.

Later.

I'm not sure where the link went, but type it in on Google and you might find it. Why is this an issue at all?

Well let me start off by saying Sweden's military power is paranormal. That was a joke. It's pathetic. If we have some agreements with Russia or not, to be frank, Russia could probably not give less of a shit. We're a small player in a much bigger game.

Let me now tell you a bit about our history with Russia. If you ask me, we invaded Russia and got pretty damn far (doing a lot of arse kicking on the way). If you ask a Russian we managed to occupy some parts but were quickly pushed off their motherland.

Who's right? Probably both of us. We did strike a pretty hard blow to Russia, but they also pushed us back. And we were far, far, far away from taking control of the furhats.

But getting back to the point of the blog, why does it matter? Why would anyone care when a small country like Sweden cuts its' bonds with the beast called Russia?

As I said, we're a small player in a much bigger game. Note though, we're still a player in the game.

Sweden is part of the West. The West and Russia are on pretty bad terms right now. We're trying to stop them from advancing in Georgia and they're saying they are doing nothing wrong.

People aren't blind, we all now realise that a 'proxy war' is being fought between Russia and the West through Georgia. A lot of propaganda on both sides, neither really getting anywhere. I'm not here to make predictions of the future. Cold War II, World War III, No One Cares IV. I don't know, something big might be coming up, it might not.

Sweden's decision to dismantle all military agreements with Russia shows one thing. It shows how fragile the relations between Russia and the West are. When the U.S sent aid to Georgia not really anyone was baffled. America is a superpower and often the one who gets it their way. But Sweden? That they (Swedish Govt) took things into their own hands and actually did something.. Now this is baffling.

You might not even know Sweden. You might think I'm talking about Switzerland. Why? We haven't been a big player in Europe. We were, long ago. But today? No. Last century? No. The one before that? Nope. We sat through World War I, and World War II. Winston Churchill was nice enough to leave us the "Sweden? That small coward country?".

Well, we definitely haven't been the most warmongering of folks. In fact, we haven't done a thing for the last two hundred years. And now we're actually setting our foot down, against Russia?

If anything, it's an interesting advancement in this.. situation (whatever you want to call it). With Russia threatening Poland, U.S threatening Russia, Sweden diplomatically being (more or less) offensive.. This conflict is if anything escalating. More and more countries are joining in in one way or another. Is it for the better? Sweden's defence minister said it was more or less a matter of principle. Russia's acts aren't affecting Sweden, but Sweden cannot tolerate the way they're acting.

It's really not what anyone would have expected. So yes, it's not a massive, make-all-headlines, topic. But it's definitely interesting. Now we'll only have to wait and see what happens.

Here's an example for you.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2580303/Motorist-goes-to-the-aid-of-a-dying-crash-victim-only-to-find-it-is-his-wife.html

I'm speechless.